We know September was rough on couples. On top of all the usual demands that September brings, throw COVID-19 into the mix and you have the recipe for conflict. 

That’s why we’re sharing a tool we use with couples to improve communication. Sometimes we don’t need more talk, we need better talk. The softened start-up approach helps us do a few things: 

1. Assertively share our needs or concerns in our relationship
2. Avoid a passive “sweep it under the rug” approach to conflict
3. Build trust by working through issues constructively rather than abrasively

How do I take the softened start-up approach to conflict? 

The basic framework is easy to remember. Try sharing your concerns this way: 

“I feel______about_______I need_______”

We love the simplicity of this model because it helps us to clarify what’s really going on. The most difficult part of conflict is often sharing what we really feel, what specifically is bothering us, or what we hope will change.

When we are not specific about our concerns, it can leave us feeling unheard. It can make our partner feel bewildered at why we are upset or moody. It can cause drift in a relationship or explosive fights. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to communicate our needs well. 

How to use this tool effectively:

• Use ONE Word: It is crucial to use ONLY one word to communicate your feeling. Often we use “I feel” as a backwards accusation. For example, “I feel you are….” or “I feel this is…” or “I feel things are…”. These are not feelings, they are opinions. Focus on the emotions you yourself are feeling. Use a single word such as “frustrated” or “upset” or “disappointed” to describe the emotion this issue is causing. 

• Be Vulnerable: It may feel vulnerable for you to name a feeling rather than just acting on it. But this act of vulnerability will help your partner understand that this is not an attack, it’s an opportunity to have a respectful conversation. By opening up your heart instead of accusing, you are giving your partner the opportunity to respond with care rather than defensively. 

• Be Specific: It’s also important to be very specific about your complaint or concern and not to use generalizations because your partner will get defensive. Avoid phrases like “you’re always ______” or “you never ________”. Try to focus on a single event or act that caused disagreement rather than piling everything together—that can get messy!

• Take Ownership: If you know you’ve contributed to the issue, own up to it. Let your partner know that it’s not all their fault. Maybe you haven’t responded well, or maybe you’ve been acting out in resentment for some time. Let your partner know that this was wrong or hurtful and that you’re sorry. 

• Use Humility: Remember, if one person wins, you both lose. This is about building and strengthening the relationship you share. It’s not about keeping score or lording a victory over your spouse. It’s about addressing broken parts so you can heal together. 

Learning how to do Softened Start-Ups well can help you build trust and become closer to your spouse. Conflicts are sure to arise in relationships. This approach can help us clearly communicate our feelings and our hopes so that we can work through things in a positive way. 

If things just aren’t going well, I’m here to help. You can book with me online or call our 24/7 reception at 705-300-0077. 

Photo by Cassia Tofano on Unsplash