Have you ever wanted someone else to be happy that you were willing to do whatever it took to make that happen whether a spouse, parent, or friend? While that is heroic in the movies, it can be detrimental to you and your health.

Codependency is generally marked by a strong mothering sense, a desire to please, or a benefactor role. They are there to help other people and rescue them. Satisfaction is based upon being needed, and it becomes their reward. Sadly though, this “being needed” feeling exaggerates itself to the point of not letting others be accountable for their actions. It may be in small areas like doing a child’s school assignment so they will not get a bad grade, or it can be significant things like lying to a boss to cover for their spouse.

The strong sense of helping others, at a cost to themselves, can cause signs of depression, anxiety, and panic. These symptoms begin to turn into a downward spiral of addiction and guilt if not treated appropriately.

A sense of identity is lost

when someone is consumed with codependency. They often do not realize it but feel incapable of saying no or having an opinion. Their responses and lifestyle are consumed by what another person wants them to be and never their ideas.

Before healing can begin , the causes of codependency have to be found. Since these issues often root themselves in the codependents’ childhood, a trained therapist may start there to learn why the desire to please others is so strong. Did they have a difficult childhood, were there issues of alcohol abuse, was someone neglected or did they have a parent who exhibited codependent signs? The answer may be one or all of these.

Treatment can include skills of writing down what they like or do not like. It can start with something as simple as:

• My favorite color is this.

• My favorite food is this.

• I have always wanted to go "here" on vacation.

By enabling themselves to have their own identity, they can embrace their feelings and individuality.

The next time you find yourself wanting to make another person so happy, stop yourself and ask why you are doing it. You can show your love to friends and family without losing your identity or enabling their faults. If you feel like you are struggling with these symptoms, reach out for qualified help.